pool rules!
we have a communal pool at our condo complex. it is pretty small and not that great, but people still go there because, you know, it’s a pool.
over the past weekend someone’s kid was playing in the fountain and “damaged” something, thus requiring the crotchety, old-ass-old HOA president to send out an overdramatic email, including a list of 18 very specific pool rules. here are the highlights (original emphasis intact):
As a result of this damage, we have been forced to close the pool for an indefinite period.
it’s out of his hands now. he didn’t want to do it, but he had no choice.
1) Pool Hours: Sunrise to 10:00 p.m. Any disturbances after these hours should be reported to the police.
Hello, police? there are some people swimming in a pool at 10:30. can you get s.w.a.t down here asap to haul their asses to jail? hello…hello?
3) Any resident has the right to ask (and report) children under 18 years, who are not accompanied by an adult, to leave the pool area.
sounds like the prez is from arizona.
5) CAUTION: This is a shallow water pool. NO JUMPING or DIVING ALLOWED at any time. This includes “cannon balls” and other antics.
nothing dates this guy more than these sentences. he had me at cannon balls in quotes. he stole the show with the phrase “other antics.” somebody get this guy some werthers originals and a nap.
7) NO GLASS. Only unbreakable containers are permitted in the pool area.
he literally means unbreakable. like, bruce-willis unbreakable. he will smash the shit out of your nalgene bottle with a sledge hammer to prove his point. “YOU CALL THIS UNBREAKABLE?!?!” do not test him.
10) A $100 reward will be awarded to anyone providing information leading to a conviction of vandalism of the pool.
shit just got interesting. then again, no one likes a snitch.
11) Running, tag games, “cannon-balling” diving or boisterous play of any kind are not permitted in the pool area.
don’t even fucking THINK about sharks and minnows. oh, you wanna marco polo? YOU’RE OUTTA THA POOL!
13) Do not throw items such as dirt, rocks, nails, marbles, coins and the like into the pool area.
other items to not throw in the pool area: baby sharks, all forms of pastries, large paper bags—those can be reused, rap and roll music discs, anything the chinese made, those doohickeys the kids are always playing with.
15) Usual and customary swimming attire is required.
what about cutoffs?
15) No cut-offs…
blue jeans?
15) …or blue jeans.
shit! guess i better find out where they sell these.
