you don't know glenn casper

thedailywhat: Live-Altering Device of the Day: There are many...

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:24:35 -0600

Live-Altering Device of the Day: There are many reasons to dislike the Micro S’mores — a device scientifically designed to increase the stock market value of the company that makes Rascal Scooters — but none of those reasons help simplify the process of putting GooeyLicious chocolate and marshmallow graham cracker sandwiches inside my belly.

Advantage: Micro S’mores.

[via.]

um…this was brought to work by one of the ladies at my office last friday—which they dubbed flaming friday—in honor of having s’mores.

i wish i was making this up.

i found these in my printer’s facebook photos. there was...

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 18:12:00 -0600

i found these in my printer’s facebook photos. there was a whole series. i am 99% sure he was the guy in the suit.

my favorite part is how the legs are flilthy. awesome.

paying it forward

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 15:03:17 -0600

paying it forward:

the real story should be finding the a-hole that ended the streak.

rich harden in the house! he’s been on my fantasy teams a...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:13:43 -0600

rich harden in the house! he’s been on my fantasy teams a few times in the past and he is an incredible pitcher, when healthy. he is a type of guy that falls way down in the draft because he is so fragile, but when he’s out there, he dominates.

i am pretty pumped about the rangers signing him. he’s our first legit ace in a long time and i’m getting excited about next year’s team.

awesome spammer names of the week

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:25:00 -0600

i get spam emails constantly. here is a list of some of the best names spammers used last week in their never-ending quest to obtain access to my bank account.

mother sherry buoy - she is from holland, married a kenyan and lives in asia where her husband died in a tsunami. she is dying of lung cancer in the hospital and wants me to take 90% of her $9.5 million life savings and “fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world” in her name and i get to keep the remaining 10%. make it 25% and you’ve got yourself a deal.

mrs. ruth francis - i won the “nokia connecting people promotion programme.” i must have been entered by playing ”snake” on a late-90’s nokia cell phone.

mr mohamed waleed - manages the bank of africa and is looking to deal under the table with an american. knock-knock. who’s there? it’s me…under the table…ready to deal…with you!

mr. fred peters - told me i won the british national lottery. again.

mr. steve marcus - another day, another british lottery win. it’s almost too easy.

salina charla - trying to hook me up with “cializ,” which is kind of like cialis except it gives you bigger boners. waaaay bigger. trust me.

sgt brandon gary - this one seems legit. wants to send me stolen money from iraq and i get 30%. trick is, we “must keep a low profile at all times.” no cops.

mr. omar khalil al-jamal - just won $250,000 in the “middle east lottery program 2009.” i actually entered that one, so it isn’t really spam. must have ended up in the spam folder by mistake.

my hawaii vacation: volume I

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:18:17 -0600

here is a list of random stuff i saw and did on my trip, in no particular order:

body surfed. saw a sea turtle while snorkeling. lost my texas rangers hat. ate pizza on three separate days. thought i saw a shark while swimming. listened to 3eb’s ursa major on the plane. saw some guy wearing the exact same texas rangers hat i lost. took pictures of sunsets. flew first class. watched the longhorns win. drove with an open sun roof. convinced myself that the guy wearing the exact same texas rangers hat must have stolen mine. saw a naked asian toddler showering off at the beach. said “maki hala” no less than 100 times. got sand everywhere. watched the cowboys…lose. bought meals and drinks at prices i would have never paid at home. got a tan. took long walks on the beach. found my texas rangers hat under some clothes in the hotel room. peed in the ocean multiple times. watched two very crappy movies on the plane rides. saw a lot of foreign people. hiked. tried to sleep on the plane, but couldn’t. got served by a waiter also named “glenn.” felt bad for thinking the guy in the same texas rangers hat stole mine. bought a ukulele.

it was formally requested—by multiple ladies in my...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:26:36 -0600

it was formally requested—by multiple ladies in my office—that i bring back some candy from hawaii. i wouldn’t have brought them anything if they didn’t prompt me, but after being asked, not bringing something back would seem rude. well, as rude as someone asking you to bring them candy from your vacation.

when we checked in at the hotel, they gave us a welcome package that included a box of chocolates. i was thinking bam, here we go. no shopping necessary. we eventually ate them throughout the course of the trip, but i saw the exact same box at a local souvenir shop on my last day.

the damage? $2.50. i almost laughed right there in the store. the value these chocolates have to the ladies at my office was well into the four-digits. i was practically stealing these bad boys.

when i got in today, i dropped the box right in the middle of the conference table, like early man returning to his village with a prized carcass. there were four ladies on a conference call so they all excitedly whispered “thank you!!!!” as their mouths watered. i slowly walked out the door, keeping my arms close by as to not lose one in the fray.

that was about 2:00pm. at about 5:30, i went to check the damage. i was banking on the candy to be completely devoured, but much to my surprise i found a trace of chocolate remaining. this poor, little guy, wounded and disoriented, was still hanging in there.

the unfortunate truth is he will most surely be devoured come morning. you see, where i work their ain’t no shame in eating someone’s halved chocolate candy at 8:45 in the morning.

ain’t no shame at all.

maki hala, bitches.

maki hala

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:37:00 -0600

i just got back from hawaii this morning at about 5am. it was a quick vacation, but i had a good time. i’ll update some more about the trip later in the week.

while there, i somehow made up the phrase “maki hala.” it sounds hawaiian, but to my knowledge, doesn’t have an actual meaning—so it can be used however you want. i mostly used it in place of “thank you” and “hello/goodbye,” but i would occasionally use it in place of profanity. it’s a really versatile phrase.

so feel free to add “maki hala” to your vocabulary and have it mean whatever you want. or go maki hala yourself.

just kidding.

maki hala.

cleverbot is evolving…into a smart ass.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:00:00 -0600

cleverbot is evolving…into a smart ass.

ted turner wants 90% of your babies

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 17:16:32 -0600

ted turner wants 90% of your babies:

if you don’t want to read it, here is the gist: ted turner will let some yellowstone bison stay in his yard for five years as long as he gets to keep 90% of their babies.

this is how i imagine the scenario went down:

assistant: sir, what do you think about letting these quarantined buffalos stay on your giant ranch in montana?

ted: what’s in it for me?

a: uh…does there need to be something in it for you? don’t you have billions of dollars? can’t you just let them roam around out there? you have like 113,000 acres.

t: i want their babies.

a: excuse me?

t: their babies. i want them.

a: what…um, ok. i don’t think that is going to look good to the public.

t: fine. then i want 90% of their babies. but no runts.

a: that’s very…kind…of you, sir.

t: …babies…

end

(via ziggyanimosity) heart attack clown is back!

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:58:49 -0600

(via ziggyanimosity)

heart attack clown is back!

Photo

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 10:00:00 -0600

thedailywhat: Life-Altering Revision To An Existing Device of...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:04:13 -0600

thedailywhat:

Life-Altering Revision To An Existing Device of the Day: Damjan Stanković’s Eko Stoplight has a built-in timer that tells you exactly how long you have until the light turns green.

Yet another one of those specks of brilliance that make you go, What possible reason could there be for this to have taken so long to come into existence.

[via.]

yep, pretty brilliant. that is, until someone decides it’s ok to go ahead and go when there are only two dots left and then gets t-boned by a guy running through a yellow. i mean, there were only two dots left…

DIRRRRRRRRRK

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:00:52 -0600

i’m going to the mavs game tonight, and will be one of potentially twelve people holding a letter that spells out “dirk” with tons of r’s. we wanted to spell something out, but we couldn’t get confirmation on how many people were going to show, so i suggested the multiple r “dirk.”

look for me in the crowd tonight as the mavs destroy the 76ers. i guarantee i will be on tv.

guarantee!!!

Photo

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:29:03 -0600

awesome spammer names of the week

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:18:50 -0600

i get spam emails constantly. here is a list of some of the best names spammers used last week in their never-ending quest to obtain access to my bank account.

mr. tabsoba yusuf

lon burris

ahmed waziri

mr. umar isiaka

mr. abdul isa

mr. amara abedi

dorothy g. rogers

baby claire rocking the cosmic doodles shirt i made for...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:37:00 -0600

baby claire rocking the cosmic doodles shirt i made for her.

this baby parties hard. i visited last weekend and she stayed up until after midnight.

azizisbored: The Ultimate Warrior on the Arsenio Hall...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:57:23 -0600

azizisbored:

The Ultimate Warrior on the Arsenio Hall Show

Randomly stumbled on to this gem last night. Fast forward to :45 when the Warrior comes on and proceeds to just define the term going apeshit.

apparently, the ultimate warrior lived in the big house at the end of my block in a subburb of dallas, texas growing up. at least, that’s what one of my neighborhood friends told me. i had my doubts at the time, but i chose to believe a professional wrestler lived down the street.

whenever i went for a bike ride i would do a few loops around his circular driveway in hopes that i would see him mowing the lawn or working on an old camaro in the garage.

according to this random interview i found, he did live in texas at one point: “I was living in Texas…” so maybe that was his house.

i am emailing him now, so i’ll let you know what he says.

(via ziggyanimosity)

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:55:57 -0600

(via ziggyanimosity)

startex power is not lame

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 14:59:09 -0600

i am moving out of my apartment at the end of this month and canceled my electricity today. power companies seem relatively arbitrary, so when moving in i picked the cheapest one i could find—startex power.

i had no qualms with them up until today, but for some reason i expected the cancelation process to be jumping through a series of hoops, most of them engulfed in flames.

to my surprise, it went really smoothly. the lady on the phone was nice and efficient. it was a hassle-free experience over in less than six minutes.

if you need power and you live in texas, i suggest you consider startex. if you need power and you don’t live in texas, i suggest you move to texas. then i suggest you consider startex.